Instead Of A Fuck You, It’s A Thank You

In my first blog post, I talked briefly about my ex-husbands first affair. I was stuck in the unfairness of it all. I am a rule follower so their behavior was shocking to me. So shocking, it kept me stuck and unable to move forward.

Eventually, my therapist told me - when I said “but it’s not fair” enough times - that I needed to allow them to be my teacher and let the feelings that came up when I was around them guide me through my healing journey.

My therapist was a wise woman because it worked - that was the advice that had the most impact on my growth and healing. And yet, it still didn’t stop me from frequently feeling like things were unfair, because the truth is that many times life is that way - really fucking unfair.

People lie and break their word. People cheat and break your trust. People leave and break your heart. It’s life. Good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people.

At the beginning of my divorce, I felt everything was unfair.

Why was it that the man who had multiple affairs and who repeatedly lied, got to just move on with his world while I was left to deal with the destruction he left behind?

Why was it fair that while he prioritized himself and his feelings for other women, I silently had to put my pain aside so that I could make sure my kids were being prioritized - their emotional, mental and physical wellbeing?  

Why was it fair that his affairs became my fault?  Why was it fair that fixing our marriage became my responsibility? Why was it fair that when I finally saw through his bull shit, he suddenly became the victim and the 20 years I stood by his side were wiped from his memory?  

I won’t even begin to talk about all of the unfairness that the divorce process brings.

Ultimately, no matter how good, tolerant or forgiving I was in my marriage, and no matter how many times I chose the high road - the unfairness never stopped.  So, I did what my therapist told me to do all those years ago…I let unfair be my teacher.

Instead of pity parties, I became curious.  Instead of reacting, I learned how to pause.  Instead of dwelling, I found solutions.  And while I know that there is no magic formula to stop life from being unfair, I eventually did learn to accept it.

There is something so powerful about that surrender, that letting go. Of allowing life to unfold and accepting the lessons.  

I also accepted that I need to let people be who they are. That their actions are a roadmap of who they are, not who I am. That their words are a reflection of who they are, not who I am. And that the hard things do not define who I am, but how I handle them absolutely does. 

I learned to trust myself. And regardless of what was happening outside of my control, I maintained integrity within myself, as a woman, as a mother, and even as an ex-wife. I took the high road almost every single time it was offered. Well, maybe there were some moments where I took the middle road.  And one where I definitely took the low road, but those will be a stories for another day! The point is that I am proud of how I handled the hard things! 

As I write this, I hope one day I am brave enough to share these words.  For now, I do it as part of my healing.  With the belief that there is something bigger to come.  

If one day somebody does read this, and they are at the beginning of this messy journey, I don’t want them to have to skip to the end to see if it all turns out ok. Right from the get-go, I’m going to tell you: it gets better. It gets so much fucking better.

I look back at every hard thing - the affairs, every time I was in a ball crying, every punch in the gut, every single thing that led me to say “it’s not fucking fair” - and my god, I am so much more in love with who I am now and the possibility and potential of what my life can be going forward than I ever was.

So to my ex, for as many times as I really wanted to say fuck you, what I really owe you is a thank you. And to the unfairness of the world, I say the same, THANK YOU! 

Thank you for cracking me open, waking me up, and showing me the possibilities of a life that never would have been possible without the lessons.

Not every end needs to be a funeral. Sometimes it can be a party.